the outskirts of reality

having a crap ass night. can't take this.

i am seriously bored. seriously, not going home for Christmas is CRAP. i swear this is NEVER happening again.

things have gotten easier. i have to say i've pretty much gotten acclimatized... but once in a while you just miss home again. i'm missing home now. it's not so intense that i feel like crying or that i question my decision to come here. i just want to be there. even for a while. it kills me that i can't visit for Christmas. though my parents are coming over and i am truly looking forward to seeing them, Christmas here won't be the same.

i think that now that my life is more or less fixed. i can find it in me to write again. for a while, things were just up and down and everywhere that documenting it all was just too daunting a task. now i've found my footing and i'm "stable" enough to write properly. well, more or less.

things used to come out so fluidly... and i really have a hard time finding that writing groove again. i don't know when i lost it... but i think it'll come back sooner or later. maybe when i get used to blogging again.

so.. today's issue... all about blasts from the past. started to look back at old journal entries as well... don't ask me what spurred this sudden desire to reconnect with the past. i honestly don't know. it could be the gloomy weather plus my pms.

i've been struggling lately... with him. oh i love him, i do, as much as ever. that isn't the issue. it's just.. we're in different parts of our lives. my experience here - adapting to a new environment and lifestyle after uprooting myself from everything i knew - has changed me so much. it just... made me grow up SO fast. and i think some of my friends are starting to find it odd that i keep complaining about being old. but really... i feel like i've aged 5 years in the 4 months i've been here. that's not a bad thing, mind you. i think it's really fantastic that i got to do this... and that i've gained and i'm continuing to gain so much out of it. the difficulty is that he is still home, still in his familiar environment and nothing has changed. we've been on different pages for a while... but now... we're in different chapters. and it's become much harder to reconcile the two.

when he's there... it's like everything's wonderful again, and nothing else matters. but other times... when i face... well, life. i feel so alone.

so i've been praying about it... and recently just found this place of calmness and peace. decided that i'd just entrust the matter to God.

then today... i came across old photos of him... and old blog entries about him... and everything just came flooding back. i remembered every little thing that i loved about him... that after 4 years just became part of daily life. i remembered how it felt... when i first fell in love with him... and i remembered every time i fell in love with him again after that... i remembered the things that hold us together... our hopes and our dreams...

and despite the challenge we're currently facing... at the end of the day... it's still him and me.

home is where the heart is... migs IS my home.

last night i was watching a special on E! about the top 15 celebrity bounce backs - celebs that got fat then lost the weight. i was watching it primarily as inspiration for my own weight loss goals... but then in occurred to me somewhere along the line how UNHEALTHY i am right now. i mean, it's not even the extra jiggle that scared me. it was realizing that back in manila i had such a balanced diet of carbs, fats, fibers, greens... i mean, if you did a complete physical on me, the sheets would sparkle.

now, needless to say, i think i'm fatally unhealthy like that guy in supersize me was at the end of his experiment :P i don't get enough fiber, i hardly eat greens... my diet now mainly consists of processed carbs, simple sugars and fat. it's DISGUSTING. i can wrap my head around being chunky and jiggly in places, but i can't possibly accept the image of my insides festering. SICK. SICK SICK SICK.

goodbye doughnuts/cookies/pudding cups/huge ass greasy burritos. you can go to HELL.

I've had the best 4 days in a long while. He gave me everything I could possibly need these past 4 days... And I have been in a state of euphoria. Miki's just nothing short of amazing. He's everything I could have asked for and I feel SO blessed to have him. He's done a fantastic job in keeping the smile on my face.

But I guess it's inevitable that on some days, I experience a dip in my mood...

I sat in front of the bookshelf and looked at the books that I plan on taking with me ... and the sentimentality set in... and I suddenly felt like crying (again).

*takes a deep breath*

I'm seeing him tomorrow. I'm just going to look forward to that.

is different now. in the not so distant past, i knew how each day would generally turn out. if it was gonna be a good day or a bad day... and i had a more or less sustained disposition throughout the week.. or at least throughout the day. but recently my mornings are no indication of how my afternoons or evenings would turn out.
i could be in high spirits one moment and the next, feeling sullen. don't worry, i'm not going bipolar. i'd hardly call my highs mania and my lows depression. it's always a notch shy of either extreme.

i know it's all part of the big change that's fast approaching. i just wish... i just wish i could deal with it better. i wish... you were around more often...

i've been having trouble sleeping lately... only got decent sleep last night after my body had endured all the sleep deprivation it could. i seriously felt the weight on my shoulders and come around 10:30 i just shut down completely. the reason for the onset of my insomnia isn't a real mystery. one can easily guess it's because i'm leaving in 3 weeks...

i don't suppose i have a particular fear... it's more of this general anxiety... there's so much i don't know... and i've never been too good at dealing with that. i've always found comfort in certainty..

even in my sleep last night i couldn't escape the latent apprehension... i had the weirdest dreams... all so convoluted in content... but so reflective of what i'm feeling deep inside.

the only time i ever really feel okay is when he's around... somehow he just clears my head... pacifies my heart... he's just the glue that keeps me from falling apart...


yet the person i suppose most affected by my current state of instability is him... the very person i cling to in order to keep my sanity intact. he has to deal with my sudden, and irrational mood swings... my neuroses...
and he's been such a trooper..:) and i'm so grateful. i swear he couldn't be more perfect than if had picked him out of a catalogue.

it's still a struggle though...

i don't know... he just seems so solid in his convictions about the next two years... he just seems so brave... i feel like there's something wrong with me.

someone i consider to be my brother told me that insecurities are usually found in the one being left behind...

but it doesn't feel like that... it feels like... I'M the mess... and instead of me reassuring him that everything's going to be fine... i find myself constantly searching for affirmation.


maybe he's just far less dependent on his family than me.. i don't know. or maybe it's just coz he was never confronted with the situation. of having to leave everything he knows.


*sigh*


i'm hormonal... i'm gonna stop now.

i've been coming here a lot lately, wanting to write but never knowing what to say. that never used to happen. i used to update everyday, sometimes even twice a day... i don't know what happened. i think at a point, i'd be so tired at the end of the day that i couldn't bring myself to make the effort to write something substantial... and i'm not quite fond of writing just for the sake of writing.

then it turned into this prolonged writer's block... even if i had a lot to say, i couldn't figure out how to express it in a way that it would make sense.

then i realized that my lj would be turning 8 this july. haha, yes, my lj and i will be celebrating our 8th anniversary soon :) haha.. the only blog documenting close to a decade of my life. unfortunately, entries in the last couple of years have been sparse.

i hope to change that though. it's nice to have an outlet. a receptacle of thoughts... a cathartic tool...

i'm coming home, lj.

we'd just ended an evening of laughter, good food and great company... colored by a state of slight inebriation. you dropped me off and bade me good night, just as you had done innumerable times before. you promised to drive safely, keep your doors locked, and your seatbelt on. you said you'd let me know the moment you got home... nothing about those moments at my doorstep differed... but the moments that followed would.

i went through my rituals, and settled on the bed with a bottle of water within reach. i lay still, the images of the night's festivities still fresh, and waited for you. my mind drifted to all the usual places... then suddenly... a stab of anxiety radiated from the center of my chest. my eyes shot open and i felt the urge to pray. pray for YOU. and i said, "please God, please keep him safe. keep jose miguel hizon del rosario safe," using your full name as if to ensure that God gets it right... that He sends His angels to the right person. i sank back into my bed and closed my eyes.

i had only let out a single breath when the clamor of my phone pierced the silence.

"hello?" i said, trepidation gripping my chest.

and your subsequent response confirmed my fears, "i'm in deep shit."

____


he rammed his car into a pole after falling asleep at the wheel. though he has to suffer the consequences of paying for the damage and having his summer plans - well, OUR summer plans considerably spoiled, he was able to walk away from the accident completely unscathed.

and i couldn't be more thankful. potentially, it could've been a complete disaster. but he's fine. not a hair on his body harmed. and for that... i can only rejoice.

first of all, i would just like to reiterate what contempt i have for the new facebook. and all those god damned tests. i mean, fine, you take these quizzes when you're bored and it's fine. but now it just has to SHOW UP on your home page all the time and now it's FLOODED with all these ridiculous which NBA player/twilight character/comic book villain/designer label are you quizzes. and it's like, i couldn't give a flying fuck if you're heart is the color orange, or if your celebrity boyfriend is matt damon. I DON'T WANNA KNOW ABOUT IT. STUPID STUPID FACEBOOK.

i've got 400+ friends. about 20+ of them are bored enough to take a million quizzes. nothing against them. what they do with their time is their business. but it shouldn't take up 90% of MY personal space. it's my goddamn home page!

i wanna see REAL updates. i wanna see CLEARLY and at the CENTER of my page: my friend's status messages, if they posted pictures or videos, or a note. i wanna see if they got tagged in interesting albums. i wanna follow funny wall conversations and add my own little comments.


BRING THE OLD FACEBOOK BACK!!!!!

I really got to appreciate my friends this weekend...:) thanks for the love guys. -ENORMOUS HUG- i love you all right back :)

GET BETTER SOON.

rica: why do i have a more manly music history than you?
migs: why nga?
rica: while you were listening to mariah carey i was listening to lit...and like...korn
migs: wow, how violent.
rica: (roars) DEAD BODIES EVERYWHEEERE!!!
migs: well look at you now. you're all rainbows and butterflies.
rica: onga noh. haha! next time someone says metal is bad for your kids, use me and my friends as an example! see, we all came out perfectly balanced? (image of tats and prit irreverently circling the meditation maze in mirador)
migs: you call yourselves balanced? hahaha!!

I love Jose Miguel Hizon del Rosario *^_^*

I KNEW WE'D BE CHAMPIONS THIS YEAR.

When I got home, I was just brimming with pride. My heart was bursting with love. God, I love my school. Throughout the season, I knew we'd take home the trophy in the end... and throughout the game yesterday I felt no fear. I knew it would end that day. And last night, as I sang our school hymn at Gesu, I teared up for what might have been the millionth time for that day... I was home. We all were.

i wish i could say it was getting better... that it's going to be better... and someday i'm going to enjoy it... but everyday i have to try not to cry while enumerating reasons why i shouldn't wish to die...

so, it's back to work for me tomorrow... and oh God... the weekend couldn't be ending any sooner... i've really got to find a way to make my work week more palatable... i need something to keep me going throughout the week so that i'm not just counting the days and the hours before the next weekend when i can sever all connection from the office.

okay, just a disclaimer, my office isn't a horrible place. it's actually quite pleasant considering. it's in a pretty building in makati, it's well lit and the people are really nice. it's just... ugh, i don't know. it's just not the life for me. i cannot WAIT to go to grad school.

but anyway, yeah. so it's gonna be another week of doing virtually nothing in the morning, and just getting cross-eyed in the afternoon with spreadsheets and eventually charts... i wish they made me do powerpoint presentations. at least i'd have fun. yeah, that's fun for me. i like getting all creative with the visuals - you know, giving it that extra umph, yet maintaining its clarity.

eventually, i'll be tagging along to meet clients and give presentations... and THAT'S gonna be fun for me.

in the meantime i just have to make my own fun.

i really MUST head over to studio 116 and see if i can take any of their latin ballroom classes. at least i can go over there after work and dance while waiting for the traffic to abate.





oh God....

now i know why people get fat when they start working.

because when you get home from a long miserable day, you don't have the energy to do anything but curl up in bed, and there is NOTHING that gives such immediate gratification as chocolate.



-wants to die-

someday i'll dance the way i used to... no... i'll be better.

i promise.