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Jun. 21st, 2016

sometimes, mostly when i'm hormonal, but sometimes i get really unhappy

Jun. 19th, 2012

Me: My life would be so much easier if I just went home...
I wouldn't have to worry about where I'm going to be, what's going to happen to me.
I know exactly where people like me end up.

Him: Well... Isn't that kind of boring? Having your whole life laid out like that?

I stopped to think, perhaps it is. But it's safe. And it's all I know. Then you pulled me in, gently rubbed my back as you kissed the top of my head. And I realized I can feel safe here.
it's been 6 months. and the more days i spend watching you ..from my bed.. from the passenger seat... from across the room... the more i've discovered all the little things that make you you. the good and the bad..

the way your mouth curves when you're telling a funny story... and i can see your bottom teeth ever so slightly misaligned.
how you seem oblivious to things i think you should notice.. and yet pick up other things i completely missed.
the way you take my hand and plant a kiss on my fingers..
how stubborn you can be.. despite how acquiescent you may seem to the outsider.
the smell of your shirts as i bury my nose between your shoulder blades...
the sharp edges of the fingernails that you bite...
the way you keep your eyes closed when we kiss.. and never open them... the "hmmm.." sound that escapes your lips as you smile.. and lean closer for more.
how you aren't the least romantic... but the are most tender and sweet...
your thirst for knowledge.
your odd sense of humor.
how you don't understand my job... why i need to care about the students who don't care enough about their futures...
that you haven't a single artistic bone in your body
the amount of time you can spend in front of a computer.. playing games or reading comics.
how i feel safer in your arms than anywhere else.
how you aren't good with words... and can never tell me why or what you love about me...
but when you say you love me, i know you mean it.

it's been 6 months... and we are still as different from each other as when we started. and we don't make any more sense now than we did back then. but we are still in love... more so now than in the beginning.

i'm not going to make any predictions about the future.

but i am going to let myself be hopeful. because however seldom you use words to reassure me... when i am enveloped in your embrace, i need nothing more to tell me everything will be alright.
I just... wanna dissipate into nothingness...

one of those work days

at some point, you get caught up in the routine of things. even in my job where i don't necessarily see the same people for the same things over and over, generally, they just all blur into one image of a needy student that has not done the work, and makes me wonder what they teach these kids in high school - because what they HAVEN'T taught, is left up to me to deal with. it frustrates me, sometimes to the point that i feel like i need to run to a nearby room, shut the door behind me and scream. if we had a sound-proof room on campus, i would've used it by now. many times. honestly, it's befuddling. how some students could have slipped through high school so ill-equipped for the demands of college. the worst ones are those that seem pretty darn content with their ignorance. i understand now the reaction of one of my college professors, as a friend of mine, without meaning to, gave the impression of smugness as he sat nonchalantly in his seat. perhaps that professor had a morning filled with lazy students as this sent him into a tirade about my friend's apparent complacency. profanities flowing out of his mouth, and in his fury, picked up a chair and threatened to throw it at my friend, but instead just flung it aside. he wasn't angry enough to risk the lawsuit. funny enough, this day actually paved the way for one of the richest, most life-changing class experiences and student-professor relationships, of all our lives- including the friend who was the object of my professor's acrimony that day. (it probably would make a good movie actually)

but that's besides the point now.

the point i was originally getting at.. was that once in a while, amidst the tiresome mundane routine of work... a student comes along that revitalizes you.. and just... makes your day.

i had such a student today. he had come with a personal statement that he was submitting to dental school. he had told me that he was an athlete, and had tried to reflect in the piece, how his passion and dedication for ice hockey would translate to the enthusiasm and perseverance he would pour into dentistry. forgive the stereotype, but my experience with jocks has only thus far reinforced the notion that they aren't the strongest of writers. they're not all terrible, but i've never read a paper from a jock that left me feeling like, "wow, that was a good piece of writing." ... until today.

from the first sentence, i was engaged. he had taken me on this wonderful ride from his experiences in ice hockey, to the moment the flame for dentistry was ignited in him. it was so rich, yet so honest. as i finished reading, i looked up at him and asked, "do you read a lot?"
he seemed a little thrown by the question, unsure how he'd be judged by the answer, he managed to say, "yeah, quite a bit." and i nodded, "it shows." he looked at me with uncertainty, and i reassured him, "that's a very good thing." with that, he let out a breath of relief.

this was the first time in a long time.. possibly ever, that i've held a piece of writing that showed that the writer was CLEARLY a reader. and it filled me with SUCH joy. it sounds weird i guess. but you don't know how disheartening it is to come across so many students that have obviously never picked up a book in their life. to see this kid... use words not just as he HEARS them, but as he's obviously READ them... it was refreshing.

i wish i'd made a copy of his paper.
i've been updating frequently lately. not that my life has been particularly interesting in recent weeks which it hasn't... but i guess i've been bored/lonely/in need of an outlet. i'm at work right now, nothing to do until we run a workshop in about 20 minutes so i figured i'd take the time to post.. about nothing. haha. i should really start writing about things that mean something. things that matter. all i ever do on lj is complain about how i hate my life here.

i know i'm very lucky, all things considered. but knowing is different from feeling. what makes sense in my head doesn't necessarily mean jack diddly in my heart.
You’re well aware that lately I’ve been struggling.. and just a couple of days ago, another stroke of rotten luck added to what had already become this insurmountable mountain of frustration… I had never felt so ignorant and victimized in my life… I’d rather not go into the details because as I am now feeling some relief, the last thing I need is to revisit the awfulness I felt over the 48 hours of my head-on collision with a car not only much tougher than mine, but a driver much savvier in the ways of the street (and by street I don’t mean the actual road). It was my corolla and inexperience, against his jeep and his cunningness… I’ve already heard so many speeches about how I did well under the circumstances, and being a good person is nothing to be ashamed of… money is just money after all, and that’s what insurance is for… but still, I, being a person that puts such a high stake on intelligence and wit, had a difficulty accepting that there may be an area that I am still completely and utterly incompetent… I don’t have to resort to deceit and trickery myself, but I should at least know how to detect it…

But now I’ve started to ramble and have digressed from the real point of this entry… the main purpose of this entry, was really to say how blessed I feel…

Because despite all the horrible things that have been happening to me lately… The things I value most are still there at the end of the day… My family, and my great love.

My parents showered me with support and affirmation in each of my conversations with them regarding the accident. The only thing that mattered to them was that I wasn’t hurt… The effects that the accident would have on my insurance policy was a nonissue.

I have always had the full support of my parents… but there was something about the way they came together on the phone that day that struck me… a tone in their voice I suppose... or maybe just the energy coming through from thousands of miles away. They were unified by the sacred sacrament of marriage 29 years ago… but something else held them together… and it was me. I embody their marriage… I embody their physical, emotional, and spiritual union. And it made me feel closer to them than ever.

Then, there was Migs… Who also, from thousands of miles away, sent his unfaltering support. Yesterday was a special day for us, you see… it was 5 years ago yesterday that he formally asked to court me. It was the first time he’d professed his love to any girl. And as I recall the fluidity of his speech, and how I wondered if he’d rehearsed it, I also fondly remember the look in his eyes, and the sound of his voice… There was a nervous quality in it, but more prominently, a hopeful one.

At the time, I wasn’t looking for a relationship – or at least that was what I had him know. What he wasn’t aware of at the time was that I had changed my mind, and was only waiting for him to make his move.

He told me he’d wait for me as long as it took. Whenever I was ready. And in the mean time, he could be whoever and whatever I wanted him to be… he’d rather have me in his life as anything than not have me in it at all. He just wanted a chance… A chance to show me how much he cared for me.

Of course, I agreed to give him that chance… and the rest, as you know, is history. We’ve celebrated that day every year in addition to our “official” anniversary when he asked me to be his girlfriend.

Yesterday, I forgot about our “unofficial” anniversary… I was too preoccupied with all the ramifications of the accident… and I obsessed about all my fears surrounding the other party involved… I worried that things might turn sour, and he might come after me. I was absorbed in the administrative tasks that I had to complete… the phone calls and arrangements that had to be made.

I texted him that I was on my way to do all these things… and that I would just talk to him in the evening when the long dreadful day was complete. I neglected to greet him, or even tell him that I loved him (which is normally the first thing I do EVERY DAY)…and then he said this:

“Hey. Cheer up, silly goose. Today is a special day. Everything else is insignificant. It’s just you and me today. ☺ Smile. We’re 5 years strong and soon to be married ☺”

And suddenly, all my worries were washed away. Nothing could have lifted my spirits that day the way that this message did. And as it all came rushing back to me, I smiled. I replied thanking him for this message, telling him that I loved him, and that I was so grateful that God had blessed me with such a wonderful person to spend my life with.

I’ve loved Migs for a long time, and I’ve been in love with him for just as long.. but I must say that it’s in this time we’ve spent apart that he’s really shown me how resolute his love for me is… and how strong he can be when I am weak. To spend my life with him is going to be the greatest adventure I could ever imagine. And I am so so lucky, that I am in love with my best friend, and that he is just as in love with me.

here comes the sun

so if you've been following, my life recently had spun out of control and torpedoed into one of the worst life lows i'd ever experienced. but this weekend, things seemed to genuinely turn around.

actually things started looking up last week, as you know.. but i'd been trying to keep myself from getting too excited about things lest i crash and sink into an even deeper level of misery. i just wanted to take things a day at a time and let things be "okay." i didn't wanna feel happiness because i knew that allowing myself to feel happiness would make me vulnerable to feeling sadness as well. so in a way, i turned off my capacity for feeling. and i went through the week on a task-oriented basis, just completing the things that needed to get done, and feeling "okay." in the end..

then last night, i went out with michelle, her roommate, and another girl from our program, tova. i texted a bunch of sfc people, including ryan and his friend pao, but ryan and the other sfc people had an out of town trip planned. pao on the other hand had no plans, so he along with a couple of ryan's cousins and another friend swung by red maple later on in the night.

the music was terrible, and we didn't have the luxury of a table, but i found myself actually having a good time. with only one cocktail in my system, the feeling was genuine. i don't know what it was really. perhaps the knowledge that i wasn't alone? i mean, this is the first time really i've had the experience of meeting a whole new set of filipinos within a week of hanging out with an old set of filipinos that i hadn't really hung out with before that were somehow connected thus making the world seem small (does that make sense?) ... anyway it made me really see i guess, that people are there if you seek them out.

i went home earlier than last week because like i said, the music sucked. and i went to bed but didn't sleep. i don't know why, but i just couldn't fall asleep. it wasn't even that i had a lot on my mind or anything, or that the night was particularly exciting... but i just wouldn't fall asleep. so i just talked to God, and i told Him (again) what i was feeling... grateful that he gave me an enjoyable night... but also afraid of slipping back into loneliness... reluctant to accept the prospect of contentment because that would mean having my rhythm disrupted again at some point... and so many other feelings that i couldn't verbalize but i knew He understood. so i just lay there and said, "it's You and me." and i'd find comfort in just knowing that.

around 7 i decided sleep wasn't happening and i went online to talk to miki. i told him that i wanted a mcgriddle for breakfast, and he cajoled me into indulging. i really wanted to anyway, i mean, i work hard all week i think i should get a free pass on weekends :P ... so when he left to get a massage, i left to get my first mickey d's breakfast in AGES... i ordered a mcgriddle with egg and cheese, a hashbrown and an iced mocha. and boy... i'd forgotten how good mcgriddles are... and i was in absolute heaven. best breakfast i've had in a long long time.

after that, i went to study for my midterm in the sun room. the martins went out to the farmers market, so i had most of the morning to study quietly and peacefully out back. i finished my readings, and read my notes just around lunch time and figured i'd go out to get some food. there was a place i've been curious about anyway. so i drove to belvedere market, and browsed the goods, finally deciding on a chocolate velvet cupcake with raspberry cream, some hummus, bread, and a pack of snickerdoodles. i could taste everything even before i put anything in my mouth, and as i left the place, the sun shone brightly and... i found a skip in my step. i actually DID skip. and i looked up, and squinted at the sky which was the perfect shade of blue... and i smiled.

for the first time since i left manila, i smiled for no reason other than that everything seemed to make sense at THAT very moment.

then as i drove home, "mighty to save" came on the radio.. and for some reason, i really felt like crying. but a good cry this time. just like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and God was saying, "See? You were never alone."

and i let Him in...

i realized that though i had been asking Him all this time to come into my life and FIX it, i was also preventing Him from doing so because everytime i felt some sort of relief, i sabotaged it by saying it wasn't real, and that it would just turn sour soon... i was afraid to feel pain so i didn't even want to feel joy... forgetting that there is no greater joy than that which He provides... especially when it doesn't come from some climactic event, but just from something so mundane as the sky being blue.

i don't know what's going to happen after this... but i do know that there is a mantra that brings me the sense of peace i've been yearning for... "it's You and me." and if i can just rest on that, things are going to be alright.

God is good!

something pretty awesome happened yesterday. i've mentioned my trouble with registration for classes, but didn't really go into detail. here's the background - i originally intended to take research methods, career and lifestyle development, in addition to externship. research methods because it was the last comp subject, and i wanted to get it over with so that i could apply for the full waivers for january, and be basically done with my major major subjects. career and lifestyle because it's a required subject for my program. i wanted to get my required classes out of the way this fall and in the spring so that when summer rolls around, i'd just have one required class left (i figured i'd take alcohol and drug because i hear it's a breeze during the summer) and two electives (i actually at this point wouldn't care what they are, but i'd hope to take the spirituality course and whatever random course they offer in the second session).

but apparently webadvisor and safari don't get along, and as i was registering for classes, errors kept occurring. i called tech services but they didn't bother telling me that safari caught a new problem in running webadvisor (never had that problem before that's why i was still using safari) ... so inevitably i got closed out of the classes i wanted. i ended up signing up for advanced developmental (which was fine, it's required anyway though i intended to take it in the spring), and some random class about stress therapy (completely not interested, but it was the only class open that fit my schedule). it bothered me that i was wasting an elective on something i didn't wanna take, and that i ran the risk of extending my stay here because i couldn't get my required subjects out of the way.

but in an amazing turn of events, traci (our program director) emailed me and told me that she was able to open up a 4 extra slots for the career and lifestyle class and asked if i still wanted in. of course i replied with a resounding YES. so she said she'd take care of everything, take me out of that stress therapy class and put me in career and lifestyle. BEST. NEWS. EVER. it totally made my day. after this, i thanked the Lord profusely and proceeded to skip about the rest of the evening.
my heart gets the crap kicked out of it everyday i'm away from home. i feel so many things.. sometimes, i feel so overwhelmed by loneliness.. sometimes i'm terribly bitter and cynical.. other times, i feel extremely grateful for all the blessings i have - and i do have many.. sometimes i'm just okay.. other times, i'm hopeful..

but one thing holds true everyday... and it's just that i'm tired. i'm tired of having so many feelings... of going from highs to lows, yo-yo from contentment to misery... it's so exhausting... and everything out here makes me cry. if i see something sad, i cry, if i see something happy, i cry... i didn't used to have shallow tears, but now... anything from a song, to a commercial, to something i read... anything emotionally charged at all has the power to get me going... and it's always the same feeling... like i can't breathe, yet my chest is heaving... and i'm gasping for air, but with each exhale, i feel the urge to sob.

i wish my family was here... i wish migs was here... that's all i need.. even just one of them.. i'd be COMPLETELY fine if just ONE of them were here...